She is not even one month old, yet she has taught me so much. I carved out this life, despite it's inherent difficulties, because I knew that even with whatever new struggles came about we would be happier and healthier on our own, and we are.
Sometimes the right choice isn't the easy choice, I would even venture to say often it isn't. I've wondered, if somehow I knew years ago that this is ultimately how my (our) life would turn out, if I would do things differently? There was a time when I would have said yes, absolutely – a time when a more scared and unsure version of myself doubted that I could pull this off, but now I know better.
Now I know that nothing happens by accident and life really is what you make it. Even if I never do another worthwhile thing for the rest of my life, I can rest easy knowing that creating her and being her mother, even if it's hard right now, is the best thing I'll ever do.
I know that time - that great healer of all wounds - will eventually be on our side. The struggles of today will help us get through the struggles tomorrow is waiting to unleash, and in a year I will look back on this year, and laugh at myself for ever doubting that I was capable of managing it all.
I know that life is full of shocking surprises, tragic misfortunes, lots of laughs, lots of tears and, every once in awhile, a blessing. Having my daughter was a blessing. I stop to think of how different I was living this time a year ago, it was easier, it was fun, it was stress free. Each and every tear, mistake, heartbreak, laugh, relationship, wrong turn, and unfortunate event led me to where I am today. If I went back in time and changed any little thing at all, I could be a totally different person than I am right now. But I don't want that, I love where I stand today. I love who I am and I love the little girl who helped form me into this person. I love when she wakes up throughout the night because I get to see that little face. I love how I can see my future so much better now.
This is the time when tiny eyes and ears are watching and listening to see how I handle life - no pressure.
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