Leaving a bad place:

I’ve recently been reconfiguring everything I thought about emotions and relationships. I know this is heavy for a first post, but I'm not one to skirt around and lace how I feel with less than deserved words.

Since becoming pregnant, I felt a scarily overwhelming urge to become a better person; to get away from negativity, from stress, and concentrate on the life I'm growing & the Mother I am going to become. I didn't want to continue in an unhappy, isolated place with no support. I didn't want to carry on feeling that I was dancing on eggshells to make someone else happy when my body and self, are both undertaking an enormous emotional and physical change. 

I remember making the decision to leave, to end my relationship and finally walk away from the pain I had been putting up with for months. I wish (in a way) I had some heroic story to tell, to empower the women and the men who have endured domestic violence. But I don’t. I just left. I packed what belongings I had at his place, told work I couldn't come back, and I left. I was so blessed at that time to have people around me who genuinely care, who gave me brutally honest views & told me it was the right thing to do. 

I was always so convinced it would change, and it was temporary. I told myself "it's just money", "it's just the new jobs", "it's just the place were living" - but when someone is abusive, emotionally and physically - from the offset, they never will change. It wasn't until the moment of seeing his face change to a smirk of satisfaction that I realised it wasn't a problem with me, I was doing the best I could have, this was an unstable person that craved control, and gained their strength by making someone else weak. That isn't love. I’ve never hit someone because I've always been able to tame my nerves. I know in my head & heart that violence is wrong, and that putting up with it for anyone wasn't worth risking my own - and my baby's safety and happiness. 

I found myself praying more. This might sound exaggerated to you but, I found myself praying very often and at no given time or place because I was afraid, and always on the lookout for the next outburst. I prayed every night to the people I knew would protect me, to my friends, my family, to anyone. I would sit in silence and listen to my thoughts. I can pinpoint one exact night, locking myself in a room, and begging for someone to show me a way out of this. If you are in a healthy relationship and believe in God like I do, you will pray for other things - not for protection from the very same person you are in a relationship with. 

Leaving was the best decision I have ever made. I look back on it now & realise how lucky I am to have been able to recognise that things were really bad, and they weren't going to improve. To make a selfish decision for once in my life & come back to the safety and support I needed and deserved. I'm proud to have walked away from a bad relationship, and I would urge anyone in an even slightly similar situation to do the same. I'm worth a million more than one bad person, and I will always be stars above someone who cannot articulate words and instead resorts to violence.