No matter how much I pretend that I have a toughened exterior that is unaffected by someone else's behaviour, I don't and I really hate to admit when I'm struggling with it.
A little while ago I wrote a post sharing a bad experience I had within a relationship. Writing it out made me feel like a weight had been lifted. I convinced myself enough that I hadn't been affected long term by it, and that since I had walked away - it was done with and he couldn't hurt me anymore, I was right about that part. I also thought he couldn't affect me anymore, that's where I tripped up.
Recently I've found myself becoming overly anxious in situations that would ordinarily have never phased me. Sometimes in crowds, mostly around loud and burly groups of people, or in new places. I feel nervous, and slightly afraid that I'm going to see his face somewhere. I've found myself constantly searching within crowds or filtering out passers by to ensure they're not him. I panic that he is going to find me, my family, and my friends, and I've become fearful. I cut off contact entirely yet I'm convinced he knows where I am and what I'm doing. I pray for everything to be okay all of the time - and so far it is.
It is silly, and I shouldn't worry because he can't hurt me anymore. I worry that talking about it makes me seem weak, and that he will use it against me in the ridiculous scenario I imagine that someday he can. I'm a very headstrong person, I've always been sure of my decisions and I've never questioned my gut feelings on a situation.
I know that real people don't hurt people, real people aren't emotionally tormenting, controlling, violent, or hurtful to someone they love, or well, anyone. It's taking it's toll on me lately, and I have to remember that I'm not at fault here and I didn't do anything to deserve it. I have to remember that nobody can hurt me now, and to stop myself in any situation that makes me anxious and remind myself - I am so okay, the hardest part is done.
No comments:
Post a Comment