Home versus home:

Stability has always come at a cost to me and because of that, I've learned to never expect anything from anyone.

I'm not a deceptive or misleading person, but I tend to think that glossing over the ugly details about family, background, or my upbringing with just enough relevant information is easier.  No one wants to hear about the long nights spent awake, and no one wants to talk about how my Mother messed it up, or how my siblings betrayed me, or about how the pain from a broken home still lingers in the back of my mind regardless of how many times I will it away.

I've learnt the subtle way to bite the inside of my lip when people mention their family, the homes that they grew up in, the holiday traditions they've known for years. These things make me really uneasy, a little jealous, and even a bit threatened, in a way that even I don't understand. I don't know what that's like – to know you can go back to the same address, to the same people.  

People come and go, but I really started to believe in the idea that people were coming into my life to prove to me that human connection is real and that it is terrifyingly fragile. I learnt that I needed to be willing to let the people who left my life, go. 

So despite the cost, I have gratitude for having lost everything. That's probably what I needed to get the clarity that has reshaped and refocused my perspective about everything in my life now. 

It'll be four years this coming December since this happened, and no matter how much I convince myself I'm over it and I'm unaffected now, I know that's untrue. The whole day feels like it happened only yesterday, I know that I probably won't ever get over the things I listened to her say to me, or get my head around her casting me off like a material item she was bored of. 

All I can do is try and learn from this, be better than the role set before me & be a loving parent to Delores. No matter what she does, no matter how old she gets, or how hard I find being a parent - I'll always ensure she knows she is wanted, loved beyond belief, and most importantly - always has a home to return to.